Finished reading: Faithful and Fruitful: Essays for Elders and Deacons. Straightforward essays on a wide range of special topics including pastoral review, hospitality, and avoiding burnout. 📚
Reformed Evangelism: “the promise of the gospel…together with the command to repent and believe, ought to be declared and published to all nations and to all persons promiscuously and without distinction, to whom God out of His good pleasure sends the gospel.” (CoD II:5.)
When John Calvin helped with the refugee crisis in Geneva, he was thinking about people made in the image of God. Learn more in this good article by Chris Woznicki and Jesse Gentile. § Twtr: @CWoznicki @JesseGentile
🎵 Listening to Hank this AM… I Heard My Mother Praying for Me
Imitating the Trinity as Trinity is not a biblical way of talking. We are told to imitate God the Father in his relationship to humanity; to be imitators of God as beloved children; to be perfect as our Father in heaven is perfect (sending his rain on the just and the unjust). But most of the equipment of trinitarian theology points to ways in which God differs from us, not ways in which God is like us.
Following up on my sermon today from 1 Corinthians 5, here’s a good article by Carl Trueman that’s worth your time: Discipline, Dirty Hands, and the Silent Abolition of Christianity.
If you need a study Bible for older kids, mine like using the ESV Student Study Bible. It’s a good all-around study Bible, especially for jr high and high schoolers.
Being especially charming isn’t necessarily terrible for pastoral ministry, but it isn’t necessary either. Read more at 9marks.org.
Connection is an essential element of healthy relationships. And connections start with bids. Dr. John Gottman calls a bid “the fundamental unit of emotional communication”. Bids “can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch.” Here are few things to know about bidding, according to Dr. Gottman, as found in The Relationship Cure and other writings.
Clear Bidding vs Fuzzy Bidding
Clear bidding strengthens relationships. Fuzzy bidding downgrades the possibility for connection, and usually occurs in order to avoid emotional risk. Gottman gives an example of a woman asking: “Would you hold me for a while?” This is a clear bid. But “It feels kind of cold in here don’t you think?“ is a fuzzy bid. It might result in him getting her a blanket. She avoids being hurt by a “no”, but doesn’t get what she really wants and can feel hurt about that.
3 ways to respond to a bid
There are three possible responses to a bid. You can turn toward, turning against, turn away.
- Turning toward: a positive emotional response
- Turning against: a negative emotional response
- Turning away: a non-response
Good relationships involve lots of emotional connection, which is made by turning toward bids as much as possible, with good dollops of playfulness and enthusiasm. Playfulness and enthusiasm are important because these are “how we express delight in the other person.”
“Bid Busters”, as Gottman calls them, include:
- Being mindless instead of mindful
- Starting on a sour note
- Harsh criticism instead of constructive criticism
- Flooding
- Having a crabby mind instead of a thankful mind
- Avoiding conversations you need to have
Bust the bid-busters by learning to ATTUNE
“I’ve come to see this connection with the other person as the bedrock of communicating.” — Alan Alda
To avoid and overcome bid-busters, Gottman says you must attune to the other person.
A-attend (undivided attention)
TT-turn toward (physically)
U-understand (attempt to understand what they are saying and why it’s important to them)
N-nondefensively listen (two ears, one mouth; listen twice as much; don’t interrupt)
E-empathize (U-“understand” is the intellectual part, this is the emotional part; discern what the other person feels and why; emotions, even painful ones, are opportunities for intimacy and connection)
If you want to know more about why this works and build your skills of attunement. I’d suggest you do the following.
Attune to God. “…behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him” (Matt 17:5). Start by learning to attune to God through his word and works. Nothing is more important than “hearing with faith” (Galatians 3v2, 5). “…behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him.”
Read Alan Alda’s book, If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?” and play the improv games he suggests. He shows how to listen with your eyes as well as our ears. Alda introduces his ideas in his 2015 interview with Diane Rehm.
Work through the chapters of Gottman’s book, The Relationship Cure that cover bidding. Much of the content from Gottman in this post comes from this book.
Learn about emotions from a Christian perspective.
Get attuned to your own emotions. One way to do this is to strengthen your ability to identify and name your emotions. One of the best ways to do this by using the Yale Mood Meter. Take Yale’s free online 10 hour emotions class to dig deeper.
Image Source: @the_kid_factory on Instagram
we all got conflict. here are some things you should know and tips for what to do about it.
Whatever kind of relationship you have, invest in it when there isn’t conflict. For married life, see these examples.
Conflict is part of life under the sun. Since you will have to face it, instead of fearing it, learn how to work through it in a way that honors God.
According to John Gottman, what most often destroys are defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, criticism. He calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because they are harbingers of the end of a relationship. Using these, even when used against you, will increase conflict not lessen it. This is true for other types of relationships too.
Know that not all problems/conflicts are the same. Perpetual problems are problems that are difficult to solve, but you can live with them. According to Gottman, in stable marriages, spouses decide to just live with them, mitigate their impact, and approach them with good humor. In unstable marriages, spouses get grid locked and feel increasingly hurt, rejected, and lonely. When you find yourselves grid locked, it is usually “a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other”. Determine what those dreams are, taking breaks as necessary and perhaps with help. As you do, work toward finding ways to support and honor each other’s dreams. Solvable problems should be tackled right away. What applies to marriages above, also applies to other kinds of relationships.
Resource: The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems
When there is a conflict, we get anxious. Learn to notice anxiety in yourself by noticing “a spinning mind, a racing heart, or a tightening gut” (Steve Cuss). This is important because when you’re flooded with anxiety, you make poor decisions that make things worse. So, if you’re feeling anxious, deal with it—often before you deal with the conflict itself. This is part of getting the log out of your own eye. You might do it in the moment or you may need more time. Deep breathing, prayer, walking, and easy reading unrelated to the problem can help you calm down. If you need a break during a hard conversation, Gottman suggests saying something like this: “You know what, I’m having a hard time listening to you right now, and I will come back in 30 minutes so we can continue to talk.” These words are effective because they take responsibility for your own emotions while staying connected to the other person.
Don’t deal with anxiety by over-functioning or under-functioning. Over-functioning is when you take over something that someone else should do for themselves, this includes feeling and thinking. Coercion, abuse, and manipulation are extreme examples of over-functioning. Milder forms look like giving unwanted advice or doing someone else’s work for them. Under-fucntioning is letting someone take over something you should do for yourself—including your thinking and feeling. Connecting your happiness with someone else’s happiness is one example. Refusing to point out or admit problems because it might create conflict is another. Instead of dealing with conflict in these ways, we ought to do what we should, leave to God and the other person what they are responsible for, and remain lovingly connected throughout the whole process. A psychological term for this is self-differentiation, read this summary to learn more. I learned this framework from Murray Bowen’s ideas, which Brené Brown explains well.
So what does peacemaking look like? Ken Sande has distilled the Bible’s teaching on conflict resolution into a memorable “4 Gs.” These steps will help you be a peacemaker instead of a peacebreaker or a peacefaker, as Sande puts it.
- Glorify God. How can I honor God in this situation?
- Get the log our of your eye. How can I own my part of this conflict?
- Gently restore. How can I help others own their contributions to this clash?
- Go and be reconciled. How can I pass along God’s forgiveness and help reach a reasonable solution?
Learn more about these biblical steps in Sande’s book, The Peacemaker: Student Edition, Handling Conflict Without Fighting Back or Running Away. There is a larger version of this book as well, but this edition will suffice for most people.
No matter what type of relationship you’re concerned about, you can follow this basic process alongside of Gottman’s great tips for dealing with the “Four Horseman” I mentioned above.
Learn to apply the advice above in church, friendships, work, your neighborhood, and family life. It may save your relationships from failure and create some of the most fulfilling relationships of your life. But remember, it’s not your job to solve every problem. Your job is to approach conflict in obedience to God, trusting that he will use even the most challenging trials for good.
Currently reading: If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?: My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating by Alan Alda 📚
Putting public hand washing stations outside of the restrooms is a great idea. This one is at @TheTapAndBottle (North). I think the downtown #tucson @cartelcoffeelab has one too.
Finished reading: From Embers to a Flame: How God Can Revitalize Your Church by Harry L. Reeder, III 📚Not just for those feeling down about their church. Reeder gives a biblical model for church life with practical applications that can help many. Good for elder training.
Finished re-reading: The Pastor Theologian: Resurrecting an Ancient Vision by Gerald Hiestand and Todd Wilson 📚 Two ideas I want to try: have project focus and put together a writing/reading group for support; schedule study leave for focused work.
Finished reading: A Practical Guide to Culture: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Today’s World by John Stonestreet 📚 A good starting point for overwhlemed caregivers.
The Onym Guide is a really fun and helpful resource for people who like words, with some sweet web design to boot. Officially it is: “an on-going open source attempt to organize the best tools and resources for naming things.”