Christopher Chelpka

This is entry 5 of the blogchain TBRI.

Words are powerful tools to help get kids back on the right track. So it’s helpful to have a toolbox of reliable phrases you can turn to again and again when responding to behavior problems or potential behavior problems.

The following phrases are recommended and modeled by Karen Purvis in these TBRI training videos, especially Chapter 4. Watch them if you can because it’s helpful to see these words used in real life.

I’ve separated them into engagement-types, but don’t be rigid. Many can be used in multiple categories, so be curious and try things. And remember to keep your relationship goals in mind in addition to your behavioral goals.

Level 1 (Playful Engagement) Words

• “Would you please try that again with respect?”
• “Let me see your eyes.”
• “Give me eyes.”
• “Try nice words.”
• “Can you try that again?”
• “Would you like a redo?”
• “With respect.”
• “Gentle and kind.”
• “Use your words.”
• “Are you asking or telling?”
• “What do you need?”
• “How’s your engine running, buddy?”

Level 2 (Structured Engagement) Words

• “Sweetheart, you have two choices…”
• “Sweetheart, if you’re asking for a compromise you need to do it with good words.”
• “No hurts.”
• “Listen and obey.”
• “Can you calm your engine on your own or do you need help?”
• “What did you do wrong? How could you do it right?”

Level 3 (Calming Engagement) Words

• “Let’s (get and ice cream cone/do some art/take a nice walk) and talk about this.”
• “You need to think about what you did wrong and how you can do it right. When you’re ready. You say ready. I’ll be right here.”

This is entry 4 of the blogchain TBRI.

Meeting the physical and connection needs of a person—big or little—can help with a wide range of behavior problems and other challenges. Here are some things TBRI suggests that have been helpful to my family.

Physical Needs

• Give healthy food every two hours.
• Keep hydrated.
• Learn and practice deep breathing. (I like the idea of “bubble breaths” and “smell the pizza”, which I learned of elsewhere.
• Use sweet smells and tastes to calm down. Purvis suggests putting cotton balls in a film roll container (if you can find one!) with a drop of vanilla.
• Have regular physical activity like walking, running, dance.
• Build in regular mini-moments of exercise like a quick set of push-ups or a few laps around a basketball court.
• Build self-awareness. How is your engine running? If it’s running to fast, what can you do to calm down? Running too low, what can you do to rev it up? Running just right? Great!
• Chew gum.
• Suck water out of a water bottle.

Connection Needs

• Watch carefully for physical signs of stress (shallow breathing, tight hands, dilating pupils, tight face). They are feeling stress and will probably react soon.
• Watch the environment carefully. Is something overwhelming, too loud, going on too long?
• Ask, what does this child need right now?
• Watch for physical signs of stress in yourself. Practice calm presence. This models and leads the way. Provides reassuring safety among other things.
• Use valuing eye-contact. Can I see your eyes?
• Use proximity, get close. Get down on their level. Time-ins instead of time-outs.
• Take time together doing activities they enjoy. Purvis calls these “bridge activities”. Find a time and space the child enjoys. Use this to connect and practice good things.
• Make sure to reconnect after coming down from a conflict. Let me see your eyes. I love you. What do you need? You can ask for a compromise.
• Healthy touch is very powerful. Firm, calming touches that reassure love are huge.
• Give full attention whenever possible. If not possible, give it for just a few seconds: I want to hear what you have to say, but I need to do X right now. Let’s talk about it when I’m doing Y.
• Teach how to use words and listen well. Learn to use and teach them to use certain scripts. Practice with role play and mirrors.

This is entry 3 of the blogchain TBRI.

After working my way through an online TBRI course, I’ve concluded that there is an essential set of skills and beliefs that TBRI rests on. I doubt the importance and veracity of a few things it promotes, and I think TBRI neglects the most important element of bad behavior: the sinful heart.

And Jesus said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7:20-23)

Still I find the following list of core skills and beliefs that TBRI promotes to be true and very beneficial.

• For kids, you should normally aim for a connected, playful level of engagement. (I think same is true for adults.)

• Achieving and maintaining this kind of engagement requires both proactive and responsive strategies.

• Care for the whole person. This is related to mercy and empowerment. A person’s needs are physical and non-physical. Responsive correction is most effective when a person is empowered and connected. 

• It is important to be present and mindful of your own needs, as well as the needs of the person you are trying to help. Long-term success depends on it.

• Learning works well in a calm, alert state. Respond to bad behavior, but use proactive strategies too.

• Be deliberate and clear about your level of expectations; be ready to raise and lower the bar as needed.

• Teaching how to use words to solve conflicts is a good idea. Learning to use words well empowers us to solve conflicts in good ways and reduces dependence on ineffective and destructive strategies.

• Remember that with people from hard places, co-regulation is often necessary before self-regulation is possible.

• Remember that just because someone is safe doesn’t mean they feel safe. Stress hormones, for example, don’t magically disappear just because someone hears “get over it.”

• Learn and use I.D.E.A.L responses, which requires knowing how to escalate the level of response and how to get back to connected, playful engagement.

This list is a high bar for those who aim to be helpers. And it doesn’t even address a variety of spiritual needs. But putting these things into practice is important and worth the effort.